i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
