She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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