mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
