i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
