The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
