The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My dick has a subreddit
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
