We're facebook friends in real life
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
