Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
