yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
