note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
