it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
