I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
