i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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