Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
