Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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