youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
