Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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