Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Randomize
