I wish I could teleport
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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