just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
