i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
