ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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