I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
