My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
