Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
