college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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