i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
