I wish my penis had an off switch
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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