4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
