I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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