Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
