ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
