i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
