Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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