do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Randomize
