i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
