checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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