I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
