I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
