She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
