Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She swung at the pinata with crutches
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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