Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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