i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
