He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
