I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
