YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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