apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
