I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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