It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
