o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
