Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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